Lambda Houston Mavericks

Dom KissKiss and

Albin de Folliewood

In the Montrose

A Fairyfable

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March 30, 2013

On December 27, 2012 the Lambda Board told Dom Kiss Kiss he could start going to Lambda again. He went to an AA meeting there at noon the next day. He has stayed sober throughout this kerfuffle. Thanks to all who did, said or wrote things supportive of his readmission.

By Tim Campbell

©July 8, 2012

__________________________________________________

Table of Conents

Dom KissKiss and Albin de Folliewood in the Montrose

Chapter #	Table of Contents	Page

	Prefatory note	1
Chapter 1	Founding principles of Lambdía	1
	Serenity supreme in Lambdía	2
Chapter 2	Strange beasts, products and practices in Lambdía	2
	Bayou Bunny Bourbon aka Wild Hare	3
	Armadillo prosciutto	3
	Coaches from giant armadillo shells	3
	Flocks of Fu birds	4
	Law studies behind bars	4
Chapter 3	Cast of characters	4-9
	KissKiss	4-5
	Little Prince Icarus	5
	La SansTop aka la Trace	6-7
	Coco, Countess Cartella del Pueblo	7
	Don Hijito de Sonnybrooke Farms	7
	M. Smithy the Grouse	7
	Generalissimo Franco	7
	Doreen, Wizard of Oz	7
	Bishop Lloyds of London-Bridge	8
	Duchess Gertrude Steinam and Dame Alicia McToklas	8
	Constable del Valle and Conquistador Raúl de Havana	8
	Albin de la Cage aux Folles	8
	Bard Tim de Mots Passant	8-9
Chapter 4	Don Hijito’s Cantina and Showbar	9-10
Chapter 5	KissKiss tangles with la SansTop and Coco Cartella	10-11
Chapter 6	Prince Icarus tries a cure	11
Chapter 7	KissKiss tangles with Monsieur the Bishop	11-12
Chapter 8	The Royal Court deliberates whether to exile KissKiss	12-13
Chapter 9	Albin de Folliewood defends KissKiss	13–14
	KissKiss remains banned	14
Chapter 10	The Lambdían civilization vanishes	14–15
Chapter 11	The moral of our story is???	15–16
Chapter 12	Eight scholarly notes including one ancient document and page 139 12X12	18-19

Ample evidence that buffalo-sized rabbits really inhabited the woods along Buffalo Bayou back in the time of the Legend of Lambdeea ) can still be found in neighborhoods near the bayou. Although the species is almost extinct now, these big bunnies and eggs were photographed near River Oaks Boulevard as recently as Easter 2013.

The Legend of Lambdeea. Part I:

Dom KissKiss and Albin de Folliewood in the Montrose

A fairyfable

By Tim de Mots Passants

June 1777

In the Principality of Lambdía

(Bourbon Territories aka Louisiana Purchase)

Prefatory note:

Dear Reader, your scribe recently discovered the history of Lambdía that follows in a large carpetbag in the cellar of the Lambdía Court House. The story was written out in a semi-butch longhand on fragile cocktail napkins embossed with a small lamb. The carpetbag also contained: one rhinestone tiara, size XL; one large, wide-brimmed hat with plume; two black boots style Empire, size six; one recipe for bourbon; and a copy of page 139 of the Twelve by Twelve. The words “No one can be expelled!” were underscored. The last cocktail napkin was signed “Tim de Mots Passants, Principality of Lambdía, 1777.”

The present author nearly despaired of finding confirmation of the events recounted here. However, through the miracle of the Internet, the Minutes of the Lambda Houston Board for the years 2011 and 2012, Anno Domini, have been found that confirm many of these events. Unfortunately, there is such a large difference between the dates in the cocktail napkin stories (1700s) and the dates of the Lambda minutes (after 2000), any similarities are perhaps accidental. See www.lambdahouston.org /members

Chapter 1. Beginnings and founding principles of Lambdía

Only very few scholars know that back in the late 1700s, just after Marie Antoinette and Louis XV lost their heads, a band of monarchists loyal to the Bourbon kings established a small colony in North America where they hoped to perpetuate the Bourbon dynasty

Serenity reigned in Lambdía

This tiny, newborn country, not much bigger than the Montrose, was located between New Orleans on the Mississippi River and Pleasure Island off Galveston.

Now, Lambdía was a most extraordinary little country. There were absolutely no controversies whatsoever in Lambdía...by order of the Prince who, ascending to the throne at thirteen, was the living symbol of absolute rule. Occasionally, there was a tournament or a lawsuit somewhere in Lambdía and opinions were divided—say, four to three. In Lambdía, even four to three splits were unanimous. Avoiding controversy was that simple.

Incredible serenity flourished throughout Lambdía in the climate created by all this absence of controversies. In fact, there was so much serenity many Lambdíans testified in popular assemblies about “pink clouds” and about “farting rainbows.” Dukes and Duchesses alike testified that “Our primary purpose is to become serene.” Some days, in the Great Hall, it was so calm one could smell the rainbows. Royal Alchemists called it the “the greenhouse effect.”

Chapter 2. Domestic products in Lambdía

In very short order, Lambdía grew famous for an elixir these Bourbonic settlers brewed from the pellets of large wild hares which were abundant in Lambdía. Actually, these Tejas-sized hares infested the woods near the little river that ran the length of Lambdía. They lay large, colored eggs under every shrub where they mated.

Now, these rabbits were so large many people called them buffalo. And they had wings too. Itsy, bitsy little wings. Dozens of them. But these buffalo could not fly. Not even an inch. In truth, they could not even jump very high. Gradually, the Lambdíans came to misname their little river “Buffalo Bayou” in honor of these buffalo-sized rabbits.

Distilling Bayou Bunny bourbon

The brew the Lambdíans made from the rabbit pellets was a grain alcohol like Jack Daniels or Wild Turkey, that is, something brandy-like but much stronger–brandy on steroids. Remember these were Tejas sized rabbits, big as buffalo. They ate corn not carrots.

Locally, they called it Bayou Bunny Bourbon and did it pack a wallop! They also exported flasks of the very same liqueur to the northeast marked as Wild Hare bourbon. It sold for five times the local price. The expression “Don’t get no Wild Hare up your ass!” originated in Greenwich Village, NY where a lot of it was consumed each weekend.

Bunnies on the Bayou

The reader probably thinks these strange buffalo-rabbits have become extinct. Not so. Sightings of the bunnies big as buffalo occur annually in the Montrose each spring. Moreover, fine restaurants there serve buffalo wings year round. The remainder of the buffalo meat is used to make pink slime and sold to the Houston Independent School District for children’s lunches. Through this, the local school budgets are always balanced.

Smoking armadillo prosciutto

In addition to Wild Hare bourbon, the Lambdíans also made a fine prosciutto ham from the Tejas-sized armadillos that flourished along Buffalo Bayou. They exported boatloads of it to markets in the Northeast where the clientele was more sophisticated than in Lambdía. Lambdían commoners did not eat prosciutto!

Coaches from armadillo shells

Being frugal as the Norman farmers from whom they descended, the Lambdíans used the huge empty armadillo shells to make carriages for the gentry. They called these carriages Hamsters. They looked like horse-drawn Volkswagens. “Absolutely charming!” exclaimed the demoiselles of Lambdía when a Hamster passed by. Enterprising Lambdíans exported a few of them with custom interiors as far away as Berlin. There they were called Berliners. Ultimately, Berliners became the prototypes for the VWBug.

The Fu birds of Lambdía

Lambdia also boasted more than its share of Fu Birds. These were large, Sphinx-like birds. They had enormous wings powered by large breasts, rather handsome faces and enormous wings. They were as bright as turkeys and as proud as peacocks. They caused a problem, however: If a Fu Bird shit on you and you washed it off, the affected part of your body fell off. Consequently, the wiser Lambdíans stayed out of their way. A few literary critics claim Lady Macbeth was marked by a Fu bird.

Law studies in Lambdía

Another peculiarity in Lambdía was that only convicted felons could be lawyers or legislators there. Lambdíans had a saying, “Nothing teaches laws better than a few years in prison.” As the reader might have guessed, Lambdía had an abundance of lawmakers. And at one period, the legal code in Lambdía was longer than Prince’s Highway.

By and by, dear reader, you will come to understand why these Royalists named their new land Lambdía. But let’s not get ahead of our story.

Chapter 3. Cast of Characters

Lambdía was such a tiny aristocracy there were only a handful of truly blue-blooded aristocrats in its court. The stalwarts in order on unimportance included:

· KissKiss aka Dom Philippe de Perignon, de Kismet and de Kashmir Gardens. No one knew his age but the common people loved him with such affection they called him “KissKiss.” When KissKiss was about twenty, he was kicked in the head by an ass that hated happy people. KissKiss had no sense of the NO–NOs. No loyalty to the Pope. His Puritanical lobe had been completely excised. A dangerous man, KissKiss! Consequently, he passed for the Court simpleton.

KissKiss also suffered from PTSD after he was happy–bashed. When people pushed him around, he could get excited. He then became defensive. Royal Alchemists controlled this with potions that kept him from falling down like an epileptic but left him conscious–seeming even though he was having hallucinations and in a seizure. Like old-fashioned phonecalls, his seizures passed in about three minutes.

In addition, KissKiss did a lot of compulsive rituals like straightening pictures, bulletin boards and drapes. His confessor opined KissKiss was compensating for fear of rejection. “ Ecce,” he said in Latin, “KissKiss was a super people-pleaser and the good part of his brain knew he was a little special. Ergo, he did lots of good deeds seeking acceptance. Unfortunately, people don’t always appreciate unsolicited good deeds or feedback. Politicians, however, usually want feedback from their constituents. Go, my son, and talk to the Court. They will surely hear you. Bless you my son.”

Nonetheless, KissKiss was the tallest, best-looking and gayest member of the Court. Like the Count of Monte Cristo, KissKiss was never without a wide-brimmed hat garnished with a feather plume known as a “panache.” KissKiss had panache! It was the rage during the 1700s. The demoiselles of Lambdía blushed and squealed when KissKiss bowed and flourished his hat in their direction. The Nellies pawed their hooves in the dirt.

· Little Prince Icarus Esterhasse Rothchilde Pouilly-Fuisé XVIII. Descended from Leda and the Fu Bird I. Prince Icarus was only thirteen when he ascended to the throne. His saintly parents died young and were assumed into heaven, according to several contemporary but paid accounts.

On a more positive note, Prince Icarus was blessed with the biggest pecs in the Court—a fact that annoyed the Duchess SansTop immensely. The Prince developed these special pectorals soaring toward the sun on gossamer wings. This trait caused many in Lambdía to think he was in fact a fairy prince. Pure wishful thinking!

The Prince don’t read or write.

The Little Prince was so thoroughly aristocratic he had not read one word of Lambdía’s Magna Carta. “Such documents,” pronounced the Prince, “are for commoners. Princes know our rights divinely. We have no need to read.”

· La Trace aka La SansTop, the Duchess SansTop, descended from a very young and still virginal Leda. La Trace was about thirty-five, had been the prima ballerina with the Ballet SansTop de Traceydero de Monte Carlo and de Pleasure Island during her youth. The SansTop interpretation of the role of the Odette/Odille in Swan Lake moved several Russian primas to retire early, too modest to compete.

· Coco, Countess Cartella del Pueblo and de SansTeef. Descended from Leda and Cain. Lots of people called her Cartella Coco or la Coco. She was ten years older than la Trace. La Coco was right pretty in her youth but had since lost most of her teeth.

Ancestral animosity: Gramma twirled maces by the boobs

Animosity between the families of these two grandes dames dated back to feudal times. La SansTop’s Great-Great Grandmother twirled a vicious mace by chains from either boob, and single-boobedly slew seven soldiers in the service of the Count SansTeef, Coco’s Great–Great Step–Step Grandfather.

· Don Hijito de Sonnybrooke Farms, owner of the Cantina and Showbar, philosopher and astrophysicist, patrocinador and guidance counselor to all the picaros in Lambdía.

· M. Smithy the Grouse, Count de San Diego, Prime Minister to the Prince during his first year on the throne. Studied law in the California Department of Corrections. Worked evenings as bouncer at the royal Cantina. Would not eat buffalo wings.

· Generalissimo Franco Triticando de Piney Woods, Prime Minister to the Prince starting his second year on the throne. Maitre d’Hotel for planned weddings and, quinciñeras in all of Lambdía and Tejas.

· Doreen of Oz, the Wizard of Lambdía, Nawlins, LaFayette, Attachalafa and all of NOLA. Age unknown. The Wizard’s job was to bolster the people’s confidence in the monarchy. He was appointed President of Lambdía Inc. but could not tell you how many sat on that peculiar board called “The Corporation.” It seems a group had to be “A Corporation” to own land in Lambdía. To this end, the Principality of Lambdía had code Catch 22 which allowed it to own land.

· Monsieur Lloyd, Bishop in Abstentia of Marsala. A prosperous book merchant. However, since none of the Lambdía aristocrats read, he sold books half-price to the commoners. About sixty years old. Well-preserved. Cartella Coco convinced him that KissKiss attempted to molest him in the puzzling room. That was a puzzling charge.

· Duchess Gertrude Steinam and Dame Alícia McToklas, dowager royals who moved to Lambdía from Lisbon or Lesbos to escape revolutions in their native lands. Descendants of the virgin, Joan of Arc and of the Nine Days Queen of England, Lady Jane Gray. On the Chinese calendar, 1777 was the Year of the Guillotine. Dame Alicia was also a big name in ballet back during her youth, back in the Old Order.

· Constable Duane del Valle and Conquistador Raúl Castro de Havana, dowager Dukes who moved to Lambdía to avoid arrests, I mean controversies, in their motherlands, and in pursuit of capitalistic principles. Big armadillos smokers.

· The Earl de Catch 22, Lord of Griffs and Para-legal. One of the shrewdest legal minds in all of Lambdía. However, since he never studied in a correctional institution, he was not licensed to practice law in the Principality. The Earl argued to the great pleasure of the Court that the Magna Carta applied throughout Lambdía —except to the Court members themselves, that is, except to The Corporation. “Catch 22 says the Corporate can do as it pleases.” argued the Earl. “Just like in Rabelais’ Abbey Thélème. Checkmate!” Unanimous cheers from the royal Court. The Earl sped all around Lambdía in a bright red 1777 Hamster. Sometimes he liked to drive it himself. Never once did he get a speeding ticket after this successful day in Court.

· Albin de la Cage aux Folles, aka Albin de Folliewood and aka Albin des Follies Bergères. Ombudsman for and representative of the people of Lambdía. Self-appointed. She was theeee headliner in the follies at the royal Cantina. Albin was also KissKiss’s mistress—but secretly. In Lambdía, hetero couples found it best not to flaunt their relationships.

· Tim de Mots Passants, carpetbagger, provocateur, libertine and commoner. He got his law license back in Paris the very day the peasants stormed the Bastille. A longstanding member of the paparazzi, a group which refused to get the principle of restraint of pen and tongue so important to monarchists. He qualified as a citizen in Lambdía by sipping, three years in a row, all the Chartreuse produced by the Monastery of Parma that year. He wasted much time reading Stendahl’s novels and regularly went to the royal Court sans–culottes—that is, with nothing covering his ass. The royals by contrast always covered their asses. At the time of the events in this tale, de Mots Passants had lived in Lambdía 39 years. Before that, he lived 73 years in the real world. At 112, he was still sans-culotte. His poor parents died still hoping he was just passing through a phase. The Savages called him Mathusala. They were better read than the noble Lambs.

Chapter 4. Don Hijito’s Cantina and Showbar

Our current soap foamed up one day when la Trace was slumming at the royal Cantina. What is a “cantina”? You ask. To answer that, we must explain one more Lambdían curiosity. All the citizens of Lambdía were special. That is, they were alcoholics who never, ever drank alcohol. Peculiar, no? In verity, Lambdíans formerly liked Bourbon so much, no coffeeshop ever did well in Lambdía. Why would a true Bourbon go into a coffeeshop? No way!

Because of this, the highly spirituel (in the French sense) owner of the coffeeshop, Don Hijito decided to call his business a “cantina.” Specifically, Don Hijito’s Cantina. After that, Lambdíans felt right at home in the coffeeshop. Don Hijito growed his revenues over 5% annually. Life was good in Lambdía.

Shortly after the name change, Don Hijito began offering drag shows at the Cantina...but only late in the evening...after the Lambdían children...both of them... were in bed. For these shows, Hijito frequently organized beauty contests that drew overflow crowds. Lambdíans loved travesty of all sorts.

At about this time, Lambdíans began calling themselves simply “Lambs.” They celebrated “Lamb Pride” in late June and ate “lamb chops” every Sunday. These chops were in fact not really lamb. They cut the chops from the smoked armadillos.

The royal public relations department boasted in all its releases that this was a time of great serenity throughout Lambdía. Housing values soared. Exports of Wild Hare and armadillo prosciutto grew annually. However, the deeper the serenity in Lambdía, the more one noticed a creeping complacency. People even began to talk of somnolent—or even of downright dormant—honesty. Occasionally, someone criticized something. OMG!

One fine day, one of the Savages, now neighbors to the Lambs, bad-mouthed the Cantina because of the drag shows. “Those women are too tall! Those men are too short. Those are real hags!” complained this Savage to one and all. He complained most loudly when he was drunk. Lambdíans were pretty forgiving about that.

Another Savage wrote a letter to the Lambdía Chronicles complaining, “The beauty contests at the Cantina are scaring our children.” The Savages had lots of children.

Of course, the first complaints caused no controversy among the Lambs. Lambs hated controversy more than even booze! The noble Lambs simply ignored the Savages. Controversies were solved that easily in Lambdía. It was one fine Utopia!

Chapter 5. KissKiss tangles with la SansTop and Coco Cartella

Now, one fine day, a bright and shiny one, la Trace was perched on a stool inside the little Cantina when along came KissKiss. Having no sense of either style or of historical periods, la Trace was wearing a simple but elegant white Empire gown—the type with the high waist tied with a narrow, magenta ribbon that highlighted a generous and open bust —forty years before Waterloo. Perhaps she set that style trend. At any rate, there she was in the royal Cantina perched high on her royal stool.

KissKiss was also in a super fine mood that day. That was normal for him. He saw la Trace perched there looking fine and moved to give her a great big smooch. This was his custom with most everyone, dukes and duchesses alike. Poor KissKiss had not been carefully taught that he ought not to do dat. No! No!

That fatal day, KissKiss sauntered up to la Trace and planted a big kiss right on her cherry red lips, which were in fact perfectly puckered to receive his kiss. All went well, so KissKiss gave her majesty a little French tongue, both in the cheek and in the ear.

Well, la Trace lost her breath and fell off her stool. KissKiss went to grab her to prevent her any greater downfall—something hard to imagine—and caught her by the neck. Just then, in walks Cartella Coco. KissKiss and the la Trace were going at it.

“Au secours! Au secours!” shouted Coco. “KissKiss is killing the Duchess. KissKiss is strangling the Duchess. Au secours! Au secours!”

For days, Coco ran around like Chicken Little warning everyone the sky was falling, the sky was falling. But no one paid much mind. La Trace recomposed her royal self rather quickly and nobody called the police.

Subsequently, nothing came of this episode for decades. La Coco got high and pursued studies outside Lambdía for a while. La Trace went bonkers from working too hard to be the perfect Lambdían monarchist. Some say she got a touch of the fever. Finally, she had to be given shock treatments, which in 1777 was dunking on a stool. Sixty-nine times they dunked her! This saved la Trace from hallucinations but left her completely unbonkered. Completely!

Chapter 6. Prince Icarus tries to cure KissKiss

Prince Ichypooh did try to cure KissKiss once. He puffed his chest up and out, clenched his fists, tensed his biceps and showed his muscles, arms raised in the air. The Prince sprinkled fairy dust all over KissKiss, especially on his hands, frowned mightily and scolded him with all the gravitas he could muster.

“Haar–rumpfff! Haar–rumpfff!” began the Prince, in a Truman Capote–like voice. “Dom Perignon, Sir! Count of Kismet, Sir! Count of Kashmir Gardens, Sir! Her Highness the Duchess SansTop charges you with conduct unbecoming! OMG! OMG! More importantly, she charges you with disturbing her serenity. OMG! OMG! Dom Perignon, Sir! So does Coco, the Countess SansTeef. OMG! OMG! The Dame Alícia of Lesbos. OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! Haar–rumpff! Haar–rumpff! Dom Perignon, Sir! The Constable del Valle charges that you moved the curtains in the Great Hall thirteen times. OMG! OMG! Dom Perignon, Sir! The Grouse charges that you tidied the bulletin boards without permit thirteen–times–thirteen times! OMG! OMG! Dom Perignon, Sir! Don’t you do that again! Ever, ever, ever, ever, ever! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Is that clear? Dom Perignon, Sir! Is that clear?”

“Yes, Sir! Yes, Sir!” answered KissKiss with a big smile. He came to attention and saluted. Then he giggled—just a little. OMG! OMG! But enough that the Prince, a sensitive little Lambdían, copped a resentment. OMG! OMG!

Dom Perignon was old enough to be Ichypooh’s Grandfather. His giggle probably meant he felt something was silly in all this. Not all KissKiss’s brains had been excised—just the Puritan lobe. It lies over the eyes.

Chapter 7. KissKiss tangles with Monsieur the Bishop

All in Lambdía remained seemlessly tranquil for the next ten years or so. LaTrace and KissKiss saluted each other almost daily but never got any kids. Then, one fine day, la Cartella Coco returned from her studies abroad and Don Hijito hired her to serve in the Cantina. Now this position was far beneath Her Royal Highness’s highness, but she so loved servicing the public, she agreed to donate a few hours of service each week.

Another fine day—all the days in Lambdía were fine—KissKiss was passing time and gas in the puzzling room when along came Monsieur Lloyd the Bishop. KissKiss promptly asked Monsieur to pop his back for him. For reasons known only to Monsieur, the bookseller agreed. Perhaps Monsieur thought KissKiss had asked for the Heimlich maneuver.

Next, while Monsieur lifted KissKiss off the floor a few inches, holding KissKiss from behind, both of his own royal arms wrapped securely around KissKiss’s arms and torso, KissKiss jokingly grabbed Monsieur’s crouch which was at his right hand. Grabbed his crouch! OMG! OMG! Tweet that!

Well, unfortunately, Cartella Coco was standing there watching and saw it all. “Au secours! Au secours!” she began croaking. “KissKiss has molested Monsieur the Bishop! KissKiss has molested Monsieur the Bishop!” And she didn’t stop panic-mongering this time for weeks. Finally, she dragged Monsieur Lloyd to the Lambdía Court and got him to file a complaint against KissKiss. This all took place in Lambdía, not in the Tejas courts. Real charges were never filed.

Chapter 8. The Court of Royals deliberates

When eventually the royal Court convened to try KissKiss, Cartella Coco assumed the role of Royal Prosecutor. This did wonders for her energy and for her ego. She corralled la Trace to testify against our Defendant, even though la Trace could no longer remember even the year in which she was assaulted her royal self.

Coco got Duke Duane to testify against KissKiss for moving, over and over again, some drapes that hung in the Lambdía Great Hall. She got others to testify that KissKiss kept tidying up the royal bulletin boards without the royal permit needed to do that. She rolled out all the laws of Lambdía—the scroll stretched the entire length of the Prince’s Highway—and found some offense against KissKiss on every item.

Phillipe de Kismet and de Kashmir Gardens had no luck that day. His advocate, a dyed- in-the-wool Lamb, did not show up in the Court. That’s the best strategy for preventing controversy. Poor KissKiss, hating controversy himself, remained silent throughout the hearing.

Bottom line, the Lambdía Court, with seven royal titleholders present, voted unanimously to banish KissKiss from the principality forever and ever amen. Actually, only four of the seven present voted for the ban. Three did not vote. But in Lambdía, four against three was unanimous. The royal Court sent KissKiss a formal letter banning him “UNANIMOUSLY.” Since Prince Ichypooh did not read or write, the Prime Ministers wrote and signed appropriate documents for him. They both had awesome Gothic scripting!

The details of the ban against KissKiss are of no great importance. All votes in that royal court were unanimous. Always. There were no controversies in Lambdía. Ergo, the vote to ban KissKiss could have been nothing but unanimous.

Chapter 9. Albin de Folliewood defends KissKiss

Six months later, Albin de la Cage aux Folles prayed the Court of Lambs to readmit KissKiss. La SansTop shrewdly moved to table that motion for a year. “I’m spending this year in the novitiate for new Duchesses,” la SansTop explained. “I’ll be happy to reconsider the ban at the end of the year.”

Albin de Folliewood was not pleased. “Merde! Putin de Merde! she exclaimed. “Oh, pardonnez my French!” she cried. “Boofalow dung! Beech de Boofalow dung!” she corrected. “Zee SansTop az neva...neva kept one promesse! La Cunnilingueuz! And what eez more, zee ban eez about KeessKeess and about zee crime of KeessKeess. Zat crime waz more zan won year ago. All right, already! Eet eez not about zee SansTop! Va te faire foutre wees zee convent year de la beech. Zee SansTop lies like a fox. One year weel neva neva come! Zay are not nobles. Zay are not lambs. Zay lie like foxes. Zay smell like foxes. Zay are foxes! Fais gaffe! My leettle lambs. Fais gaffe! Liberté for KeessKeess! Fraternité for KeessKeess! Foux la Cunnilingueuz! Foux zees Court!”

“OMG! OMG!” shouted Coco la Prosecutor. “Objection! Restraint of tongue, Madame! Restraint of tongue! S’il vous plaît! Your Majesty, I object! I object.”

The Little Prince promptly ruled for la Coco and adjourned the Court for a few cappuccinos. Coco rubbed her hands together lecherously...as though she smelled the guillotine for poor KissKiss. OMG! OMG!

KissKiss remains banned

Even though her French was impressive, Albin’s pleadings were of no avail. Clearly liberté and fraternité were the wrong words to argue before these Monarchists. The Royal Court did not listen to Albin—unanimously! KissKiss remained banned.

The Little Prince also banned Albin herself from the royal stage on Monday and Tuesday nights. Since Monday and Tuesday were already her nights off, the royal coffers lost not one franc. Things calmed down once again quickly. La Coco got a full set of new teeth as the reward for her civic righteousness. Some say Cartella lost her teeth blowing crack. Others contend Albin knocked them out. Oops. Yet one more controversy! OMG! OMG! We prefer to stay out of this controversy.

Chapter 10: The Lambdían civilization vanishes

Dear reader, if you live near Buffalo Bayou, you probably know that the Principality of Lambdía did not survive past the 1700s. Two factors contributed to the decline and fall of Lambdía.

First, the nobles in Lambdía were all gay as geese. Consequently it was hard for them to have children without engaging in acts which seemed to them perverse.

Second, all the commoners in Lambdía were day laborers—hence the “-día” part of Lamb-día. Now, as these day laborers—born savage—were converted to Christianity, they quickly learned that they could expect to be paid as much for arriving at the eleventh hour as for arriving at dawn. So they went to work at eleven. That crippled the economy in less than a generation.

Only one single edifice remains standing to mark the presence of the Lambdían civilization. That’s a large hangar of a building. The Lambdíans used it to smoke armadillos for prosciutto. Eventually, that building was converted to a club and is now called South Beach. It stands at the corner of Pacific and Crocker in the heart of the Montrose.

Chapter 11. Fables generally illustrate some moral.

· Papa Buffalo claimed the moral of our story was “Some principles are more practical and valuable than others.”

· Mama Buffalo claimed the moral of the story was “KissKiss is family. We can’t kick him out.” Mothers reason oddly.

· Baby Buffalo and the Three Little Armadillos said the moral was “Read the Twelve by Twelve, Silly! Nobody can be expelled from AA.”

The bottom line, however, is that Lambdía was an absolute monarchy. The only opinion that really mattered was that of the Little Prince. We ask you this, dear reader: Did the Little Prince decide the moral of the fable was:

a.) “If the Fu shits, wear it!”

b.) Even a stopped clock is right once a day. That’s good enough for Lambdía. Acceptance is the answer to all our problems. We don’t rewind clocks!

c.) Say the Serenity Prayer—all three parts of it!

d.) Sometimes youth is a blessing—other times it’s a defect of character.

e.) Read the Twelve by Twelve, silly. Nobody can be expelled.

f.) Noblesse oblige! To whom much is given, much is expected.

g.) Restraining orders are the job of state courts and trials, not of the Lambdía Court.

h.) Real monarchs don’t keep minutes and post them on the Internet.

i.) Life is full of controversies. Avoid outside ones. Philip is family.

j.) Beware of the fox and never take yourself too damned seriously.

k.) None of the above. The Prince don’t read.

l.) Others??? (Reader fills in her/his own here.)

Chapter 12. Scholarly notes

1. A few unfamiliar words were found in de Mots Passant’s notes including “somnolent honesty” and “ dormant honesty.” AA ethics experts speak of “rigorous honesty” quite frequently. That seems to mean the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. “Somnolent honesty” allows for some medium sized gray lies. “Dormant honesty” descends to big, fat lies.

2. A few historians claim creatures and events like those in this account are recorded more often in Bourbon monarchies than elsewhere.

3. To learn more about descendents of the Lambdíans, see Silence of the Lambs with Jodie Foster.

4. Some students in psychology opine that an unusual number of the Lambdían aristocracy could have been bipolar, i.e. lambs by day—hag-drags by night. Other psychologists say they were probably schizophrenic, not bipolar. Still others suggest old-fashioned and politically incorrect things involving close ties. The Wizard of Oz himself—who should know better than anyone—claimed these were just garden-variety alcoholics. We prefer to stay out of this controversy.

5. Archeology: Spanish land abstracts, discovered in the Ima Hogg Museum since our original story was published, indicate that the site where the River Oaks Country Club now sits was called El Monte SansTopizza back in 1777. That reminds us that the Duchess lived on Mount SansTopizza—in a palace. OMG!

6. Each year just after Easter, young men in the Houston Montrose neighborhood put on huge ears and strip off most of their clothes in memory of the 1777 Bourbon founding of Houston on the banks of what we now call Buffalo Bayou. The commemoration is called “Bunnies on the Bayou” and attracts thousands. During that weekend, they* say Houston police go by the old Napoleonic laws which failed to criminalize fun. OMG! OMG! * “They” here means tavern owners and staff people.

7. Commercial announcement posted in the Lambdía Chronicle, July 13, 1777

BOUNCER WANTED FOR AA CLUB. Must enforce dress code, language code, etiquette code and keep convicted code offenders and all pets off our property. Must keep bicycles out of building, prevent people from leaving umbrellas behind. Ex-drunk with 2 years dry preferred. Only persons physically intimidating need apply. Experience stopping crosstalk a plus. Success stopping thirteenth stepping a double plus. Prior felony convictions no problem. Salary: None. A person who would like to do this just for the fun of it definitely preferred. Lambdía Court 1201 Bayou Bunny Boulevard West, Montrose, Tejas 77019. Equal Opportunity Employer. Affirmative Action for the upper classes. Deadline 25 August 1777 (Thermidor). Phone 713 513-13. Email resumes to chair@lambdahouston.org

8. Page 139. Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions. “Tradition Three. The only requirement for A.A. membership is a desire to stop drinking. This Tradition is packed with meaning. For A.A. is really saying to every serious drinker, ‘You are an A.A. member if you say so. You can declare yourself in; nobody can keep you out. No matter who you are, no matter how low you’ve gone, no matter how grave your emotional complications—even your crimes—we still can’t deny you A.A. We don’t want to keep you out. We aren’t a bit afraid you’ll harm us, never mind how twisted or violent you may be. We just want to be sure that you get the same great chance for sobriety that we’ve had. So you’re an A.A. member the minute you declare yourself.” Page 129 also says: "No A.A. can compel another to do anything; nobody can be punished or expelled." And finally, the Big Book on page561(Fourth Edition) notes that the Traditions give "the best answers yet to those ever-urgent questions "How can A.A. best function?" and "How can A.A. best stay whole and so survive." Said differently, many have want to throw people out of A.A. meetings. The majority in charge has always said "No."